Fear and Loathing in L'Eliana

This excellent property is on a quiet, leafy street, and offers privacy, space, and neighbours you probably will never know beyond a brief nod. There is a spacious garage that currently serves a dual purpose—as a parking area and a gym. To one side of the house lies a large swimming pool surrounded by trees, along with a terrace and plenty of space to enjoy the summer, host meals, or just sit on your hole and have a go at yourself for being a lazy tosser who never uses that gym that’s taking up all that space in the garage.

Inside, the home is bright and comfortable, with a lot of rustic character and charm - wood features and terracotta floors. The living and dining areas are centred around a practical fireplace, which does its job perfectly during the winter months, which is burning stuff you can’t be arsed taking down to the recycling bins.

The ground floor also includes a spacious kitchen, a guest toilet, and an additional room that could serve as an office, a guest bedroom, or whatever best suits your ‘personal’ needs. Wink wink.
Nudge nudge.
(A sex dungeon, I’m talking about a sex dungeon)
Upstairs, where the smell of burning plastic isn’t as strong, you’ll find the master bedroom, complete with a walk-in closet and a large en-suite bathroom with a shower. Two other bedrooms share a second bathroom, which includes a bathtub. Also a toilet bowl but you kind of expect that, no need to mention really.

Next to the pool, there is a renovated indoor shower and toilet (with bowl – if I don’t say it now I’m afraid you’ll think here isn’t one), as well as an outdoor shower and a covered *paellero* (paella cooking area). After all, in Valencia, what is a house without a space where you can slave and sweat away all day over naked flames while people you barely know (f*****g Noddy the neighbour) tell you what you’re doing wrong and why you’ve put in too much saffron/rice/chorizo in the paella.
All the rooms offer views of the gardens, while the neighboring plot—filled with pine trees and plates—creates a pleasant sense of spaciousness and privacy. It’s not quite like living in the deepest amazon, but you certainly won’t feel as though your neighbors are joining you for breakfast, not that they would anyway after you kicked him out for calling your paella ‘arroz al guiri de mierda’ after he gagged on it and threw his plate into the pine trees.

In short, this is a villa with character in L’Eliana: well-laid-out, functional, call us to find out more. Self-loathing and disturbed thoughts not included.